Census 2011

In reply to SoggyMog :

Great piece. I think the number self-identifying as non-religious is important, particularly when (as others have already stated) the question is leading. I have friends who have recently christened their newborn "So they have the choice of whether to believe or not - at least they'll have a religion if they want one". 

Whilst I support their open mindedness to the fact that their offspring may not believe what they do, they still feel that being "made" Christian should be the default position. This child could quite easily think of themselves as Christian even if they aren't practising or if they don't believe a word of it (especially if they've never thought about it or don't care either way). 

The question needs rephrasing, perhaps with a "Are you devout / practising?" or one question for family religion and one for personal beliefs (which would be an interesting stat in itself - how many are leaving religion?). Perhaps even an additional question regarding being SECULAR. That would get rid of some justification the church uses for their privileged position. 

St Michael's Mount and Other Crimes

So I’ve just been on a very nice holiday to Cornwall with the family. Typical British summertime break - it pissed it down pretty much constantly. However, a nice cottage, plenty of booze and rich food so all’s well. Perhaps my favourite moment was at St Michael’s Mount. If you haven’t been there, I recommend it. A funky castle on its own island – pretty much all you could ask for as an Englishman.

I was sporting a rather fancy new rucksack that has the nifty feature of being able to plonk the littlun securely in the top giving them a fabulous view over the top of your head whilst you enjoy your hike / stroll / shopping / night out clubbing. This particular model includes a fetching and practical rain/sunshade that covers and protects the child whilst still giving them a (somewhat restricted) view off the outside world.

The favourite moment in question involved a quick visit to the gents, made much easier with baby in tow now that she was strapped to my back allowing both hands to be free (and trust me, I NEED both hands). Owing to the fact my daughter was virtually perched atop my head I thought that using a cubicle would be more appropriate, as it would, after all, be somewhat disconcerting to have a lady (albeit a little one) peering over your shoulder whilst you are trying to urinate. I therefore decided that my two soon-to-be urinal neighbours who followed me in should be spared this discomfort.

I have now, I realise, become very autonomous with regards to the cooing baby-babble that parents tend to use when with their youngsters, often revolving around mundane tasks (explaining what one is doing and why, pointing out objects, etc. etc.). This occasion was no exception - I offer a rough transcription of the cubicle visit below:

“Let’s just shut the door… there we go. Right, this won’t take long - let’s just have a wee wee. Are you OK in there? I can’t see your face unless I get you out, you see. There you are. Aaw, aren’t you beautiful? Where’s your hat? Have you lost it? Well, we’ll have a little look for it later. Is Fluffy OK? He can’t get lost, can he, because we tied him onto the elastic. There we go… all finished. OK then, it’s about time to feed you, isn’t it? Come on, let’s go back upstairs and I’ll get you out in the restaurant.”

So I walked back out past the two gentlemen who were, now I think back on it, standing very still and avoiding any glances in my direction or any sudden moves. I washed my hands and left the loos. It was only when I got outside that I realised that with the rain cover in place it wouldn’t have been obvious that I had my baby daughter in my rucksack...

I’m lucky that the police weren’t waiting for me at the restaurant and that I didn’t spend the rest of my holiday trying to explain to a specialist about my unhealthy relationship with my “Little Friend”.  

Lodger

So. I have a lodger. Even though they moved in more than six months ago, I still don’t think I’ve got into the swing of it. I’d never met them before they moved in, so the whole thing was a bit of a gamble to be honest. However, my housemate said she’d take some time off at the beginning to make sure things went smoothly (it’s a fairly big thing, having someone move in, after all). You’d have thought by now I’d have gotten used to it.

However, there have been some… issues. They haven’t lived in the area before, and their English isn’t good. I’m really struggling to understand them, and I’m not sure they understand me, either. Despite this, they are REALLY needy, always wanting to talk, taking up my time and getting in the way. They keep weird hours and wake me up pretty much every night with their overly loud voice and incomprehensible, irritating whining, with seemingly no comprehension of the effect they’re having on me. It’s almost as if they’ve got nothing better to do; no real structure to their time (they certainly don’t work). I know they’re on benefits, and although most of that goes to us in rent, the financial knock on effects of them being here is starting to take the piss.

I get the impression that they don’t really have any friends in the area other than the ones we introduce them to (which I have to since they seem to always come with us to engagements, even when it really isn’t convenient). They have really bad taste in music, and insist on listening to the same repetitive, cheesy songs on their crap stereo system. If I try and turn this off, they often get really angry and shout at me, again in their unfamiliar dialect. There have been times when it’s put strain on my relationship with my housemate, and we often argue about how to deal with them. More recently, I’ve noticed that they’ve started stealing my food out of the fridge without replacing it or offering any payment – that’s just not on, is it? They’re getting more and more messy AND they expect me to do their washing and clear up after them. I’ve tried talking to them about all these things, but they’re not interested, or pretend to listen and then get distracted by something and stop paying attention. Even when they do listen, they don’t change their behavior, which is infuriating.

They are, by far, the most unreasonable, noisy, inconsiderate, expensive and occasionally aggressive houseguest I’ve ever entertained. And they’re going to live with me for decades.

My lodger is my seven month old daughter and is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I love her more than anything I’ve ever known. 

Introduction

So…

A Blog. Why? The closest I ever got to doing my own blog before now was as part of a postgraduate teaching certificate where it formed part of my formative assessment. As I recall, I called it “My Frog”, and added absolutely nothing of interest to it. It’s still out there on the great æther that is the Internet; just another potential threat to the security of my personal data.

So why now? Well. After years of studying and gaining a RIDICULOUS amount of academic qualifications, (along with some useless other ones), I have achieved the career that I was aiming for. It is secure (well, as secure as anything is these days) and well paid. To be honest, it’s pretty good, and there are even times when I enjoy it. I am generally fit and healthy, I have my own home, a wonderful wife and a beautiful new baby. The bills get paid (just about) and I’m currently sitting here drinking a glass of port after a very satisfactory Valentines meal. I have NOTHING to complain about.

This has obviously been the catalyst for an existential crisis and an OCPD fuelled obsession with the meaning of life and a “what’s-the-friggin’-point-of-it-all” style freak out. Why do I feel pissed off and dissatisfied a lot of the time? This is, literally, nonsensical. I am more annoyed and depressed by the fact that I’m not blissfully happy than anything else. So I tend to spend any free time that I have STILL trying to be a rockstar and involving myself in creative pursuits the drive for which my career doesn’t currently satisfy. This, I suppose, is one of them.


So be prepared for some pointless ramblings, half baked ideas, occasional strokes of genius and irregular literary re-enactments of my inappropriate amusement at the world around me. Oh, and some shameless self promotion for my avarice-motivated personal gain. I’ll try to protect people’s privacy where I can (unless they really annoy me).